This is something I wrote in the night before we broke for the last time, it was what I felt deep inside when i wrote it…
14 June – Agony
“The movie ended. I watched it not because I wanted but just for the sake of doing something. I saw it several times before so I wasn’t into it. I guess I only needed it to take my thaughts away…for a bit. As it ended i closed the TV. I stood for a minute in silence. In the dark light I gazed at my laptop and then softly turened my head and looked at the digital clock. Its pale green light showed it was almost 1 am. I said to myself: “She must be allready sleeping and if not she’ll go to bed soon.”. In the same moment I also remembered that she has been a bit indifferent towards me lately as she talked less and less with me. At least that’s what I’ve noticed. That was also the reason I logged out more times in the last days. In a way I also didn’t knew what to talk about and it made me feel like I’m boring her in a way, so I’d rather disappear than make it unconfortable for both of us. With all this I couldn’t find a reason why to turn on the laptop, …perhaps…only one good reason…but useless…
It was just that I wasn’t sure of it. Sometimes it feels like she really wants me but then there’s another side which pushes me away and I was almost sure that she didn’t loved me at that moment, …or…if she ever did… All those doubts were killing me inside every night. I stood up and grabbed my bottle of water and hoplessly walked to my room.
As I walked through the hallway I stopped in front of the mirror. i didn’t liked mirrors at night. I looked at it and said to myself: “What are you affraid of ?”. Obviously nothing else but darkness was around, I couldn’t see a thing. But I think I knew the answer to the question I made. That fear appeared since the day I met her.
I entered my room and I placed down the bottle of water next to my bed wich I usually called “my den of sorrow”. “Quite ironic.” I thought with a lame smile on my face. The window was open and the courtains were flopping in the blow of a soft and refreshing breeze. I laied in my bed and hugged the pillow as I usually did. Sounds stupid but in a way it maked me feel like I’was not so lonely. As I was laying down I looked through the window at the cloudy sky. In the distance I could see some lightnings but they were too lifeless to produce any thunders. I didn’t gave them too much importance and I was focused thinking on her. I analised through flashbacks all the ways she tried to push me away and I still didn’t understood why she did it if she said that she cared so much for me. In a way I knew her reason but from my point of view I didn’t understood it cuz I knew I’d never harm her. I started to think if she was honest enough with me or was there a secret I didn’t knew about that made her push me away. Can a person have more faces ? Was she playing with me ? All those stupid and irrational questions blinded me and the rain started to fall with the sound of a posessive lullaby in which I found myself raising my hand to the sky asking for fogiveness for all of my sins and mistakes and in a way also begging for a solution to my sorrow. As I had my hand up, on the background a lightning stroke, it was so bright and close that made my heart shrink. I didn’t feared death and actually it didn’t sounded so bad, it seemed to be a pleasant ending…i thought. Then the thunder crushed so hard that frightened me and I imediatelly tooked down my hand. In that moment her immage came into my head and I remembered a promise I made: “I will never let you down. I will not die.” In a way it gave me the strenght and courage I had lost. I also remembered perhaps the one and only moment I felt she really wanted me, when she said she wanted to come to see me.
When she told me that she was so pure and full of desire. I really felt the girl I was in love of. An intense fire started to burn deep inside, the flames of love were blazing of passion and desire to have her into my arms. On my desk there was a sheet of paper, suddently the wind tooked it away and placed it in front of me. it was a picture of her that I printed some time back. She was so beautiful…
I asked myself if that was a sign, if her place was really by my side. I played with my hand over her hair and lovely skin. I closed my eyes and I could almost feel her. I opened them again, I kissed her and said: “I love you !”. I really looked pathetic and stupid but I guess love makes you do lots of stupid things. As I looked at her one last time I placed ir in my desk. It was not the first time I was kissing that sheet of paper, at first it felt weird but now, not anymore. Then i layd with my face up and was thinking on everyone to whom I asked for a solution for me and her. They all said to forget her and pass over it. Why do they allways choose the hardest one of all ? Do they like to see me suffer so much ? Are they enjoying it ? And that wasn’t even a solution it was the impossible. Her immage came once again in my mind and I was so angry on everything that I said with a trusting voice: “I love you too much for anyone to understand it and I won’t let you go. It tooked me too much time to find you and now I’ll do anything to reach you.”. After that moment I looked at the clock on my mobile, it was allready 6:28 am. Great, another night without sleep, so I woke up hoping the next day would be better between the both of us.”
She never reached to read it, but it’s too late now.
©AXOMME on 21-06-2009.
