Bajo la lluvia…

Caminando cabizbajo por la calle al ritmo de mis pensamientos e intentando dar cuerda a mi vida. Mis sentidos se han vuelto fragiles, tanto que despues de un rato sumergido en el vacio me doy cuenta de que habia empezado a llover. Miro un instante a mi alrededor, no hay practicamente nadie por la calle. Son las siete y media de la mañana y sigo mi camino. Con cada paso se que estoy mas cerca de verla de nuevo, un dia mas. De repente me invaden mis sentimientos, la imagino sonriendo y una mueca de alegria se dibuja en mi cara. Pienso en lo mucho que desearia poder abrazarla, sentir que se me corta la respiracion cada vez que nos miramos a los ojos y temblar de felicidad en cada momento que su mano toca mi piel. Pero despues de todo se que no podra ser mas que una amiga y se que mis sentimientos me hacen daño, pero no puedo negar que la quiero. La lluvia se habia vuelto mas fuerte y sin darme cuenta tenia la cara empapada en una mezcla de gotas y lagrimas. Miro de nuevo a mi alrededor preocupado de que nadie me viese, pero aun no habia nadie por la calle. Por un momento me sentia libre, despojado de mis defensas y dignidad, y las lagrimas siguieron cayendo. Me paro y alzo la mirada al cielo. Las gotas frias eran agradables aunque pegaban con fuerza. Me gustaba, me sentia vivo de nuevo. Tras unos segundos las lagrimas se quedaron solo en gotas de lluvia. Inspiro hondo como si fuera mi ultimo aliento. Bajo la mirada y comienzo de nuevo a caminar…

…un Martes de Mayo.

©AXOMME on 08-05-2012.

El filo de la soledad

Cuando toda esperanza esta vacia, cuando todo lo que siempre has soñado se desvanece en la oscuridad de tus sueños, cuando el mundo empieza a ir a toda velocidad alrededor tuyo, te paras y miras alrededor, la gente pasando como maquinas, ni una sola mirada, ni un simple gesto, te sientes insignificante, miras tus manos y parece que el suelo esta mas cerca, las lagrimas mojan tus ojos y mientras recorren tus mejillas alzas la mirada al cielo como si esperases una respuesta, una simple caricia angelical, un rayo de luz en tu vacio corazon, esperando que el nudo de la garganta desaparezca, y que el dolor del pecho no lo sientas. Bajas, de nuevo la mirada, te limpias las lagrimas, y empiezas a caminar, sin rumbo ni destino fijo, andar contra el viento que en su fuerza te haga daño y sentir que aun estas vivo, que aun respiras a duras penas, que el latido de tu corazon tan fragil e irregular siga pulsando sangre en tus insignificantes venas y sigues adelante, y sigues caminando…solitario el camino es…y solo en el dolor estas, silenciado por la vida. la soledad es una carga para llevarlo solo. la soledad no se comparte, la soledad te persigue, te ata en sus redes y no te deja espacio para sentimiento sino solo para sufrimiento. Aun asi, sigues caminando…

Sintiendo el vacio…

©AXOMME on 03-03-2012.

Walking Anonymously Through Life

26 November – Lost and Lonely

A lot of time have passed since I lost posted anything. I guess nothing remarkable happend to me that is worth of writting down but yet I’ve decided to do so. I’ve been working for about 5 months and I guess it’s a good thing as I gain experience of life and socialize more with people. I couldn’t go to that university I wanted, couldn’t afford it. Everyone tells me to do a state univ but I don’t want that. There are a lot of people with state diplomas and many a lot better than me, plus nowadays finding a job is really hard. I want a special and intensive study on something that I would like and that is really needed so I can have a good income and start building my future. My dreams are still making my own family, that’s the only happiness I seek. I don’t dream of being famous or loafing in money. The most valuable thing for me is love…which I haven’t found yet… Love issues are really complicated and I confess I really suck at it. But still I don’t know why no girl can see more through me instead of what I am in appearance. Maybe I’m too different ? I don’t know. And I also don’t know any other way to act or be than as I trully am and also I will never try to fake the way I am. I want someone to reach to understand me, to know my feelings, to know my mind and to conquer my heart with her love. I do get a lot of crushes on cute girls but I always hesitate as I’m used of beeing rejected and I don’t like the feeling. Some girls don’t even speak to me anymore if I say I like them and that’s something I could never understand. Am I the weird one or they are ? I know I am different, maybe too deep and intensive in feelings, I don’t know. Even though it seems to everyone that I’m ok I am not. I’m not good with myself, I can’t find my place. It’s like I don’t fit in. It’s like if I was the dirty and ugly puppet walking through life having the loneliness as the puppeteer. A lot of people at a moment like this are recurring to suicide but that’s so stupid. I love life, I like to live(I’m not an fucking emo or shit like that). I want to enjoy the life but I’m stuck…can even love set me free ? I’m not sure if I’ll ever know…at least not for now.

©AXOMME on 26-11-2009.

Regrets of a little writer

18 July – Giving up hope

As tears strem down on my face I lay in the bed and think of what I’ve just did. I’ve gave up on all I’ve been fighting for in the last 6 months. I gave up on my hope, I gave up on her. I feel so miserable and stupid and I dunno why I did it but I guess I had to. Since the first time I met her I know I’ve helped her a lot and she also made me feel special. I think I’ve made her a bit more self-confident and optimist but the way I did it was not really a good way. I was trying to implement my love in her sorrow. It didn’t worked out well, not the way I wanted it. I guess nothing ends up the way you want. I should’ve been only a friend from the begining but I did it with love instead. I’ve fallen in love and got carried by my feelings. This “therapy” of some kind that I tried to do went more like a torture of feelings for both of us, even when I knew she didn’t loved me the way I love her, so I continued. So  stupid of me… I kept on hoping that someday she’ll feel the same love I feel for her but now I guess it’s time to stop it. And yes, it hurts, it hurts more than any wound but it’s the best way. I preffer that I suffer as long as she reaches to be good and find some hapyness in her life. As I said it many times before, she really needs to be happy and she also deserves to be. It felt like I was going down and dragging her with me. In a way I made her to be unhappy and unconfortable, specially each time I was saying: “I love you !”. She’ll say that’s not true but it is, I can feel it and I know it. Giving up on her is my biggest challenge ever. Even though my heart tells me what I did is not ok, my mind tells me it’s the best way, for both of us. I have to stop torturing us with something nearly impossible and she can’t feel this love, at least not for me, so it’s time to stop hoping. I’ve dreamed too much and now it’s time to wake up. This agony brought me to stop believing in myself and loose a lot of optimism. I guess in a way I changed as a friend told me. But she’s not guilty for anything. It’s my fault for keeping high hopes and for loving someone at a long distance. It can hardly work, or never…Now I don’t know which hopes I have left, what objectives to aim to, which is my future. I guess…time will choose my destiny. At least I still hope in doing some studies I really wish to do. But I’m affraid it also won’t be possible. I’ll see it in a few days from now on. I’ve grabbed on her so hard, it felt like I’ve finally found my half, who I really like and love and I didn’t wanted to let her go, I wanted her all for myself. I guess I saw my reason on this world in her, I saw my own salvation, I saw my hapyness in her and that blinded me in a way that I’ve didn’t even stopped to look well to her needs and felings. I feel so selfish and a jerk. I hope she’ll forgive me for it. We’re still friends now and I’m glad, but I’m not sure if it’s the best way. I do wanna be her friend but I’m affraid that my feelings will come out again and hurt her once more. I don’t want that. Also I’m affraid of this pain to talk every day with the person I love like nothing happend and knowing that deep inside I’m so full of love for her. It hurts a lot… Even so, I think it’s the best way if i stop loving her. If there were a way to tell your heart wich person to love or not…*sigh*. I can only endure inside and keep my feelings locked until they disappear, I only hope I’m strong enough to do it.

This is all I had to say and I guess my last time posting in here. This blog was ment to be like a mirror on which I can talk to myself and realease my feelings and thoughts. I’ll lock a lot of things inside from now on and this blog along with them. Thankyou to all of those whom spent some time reading these broken words. Goodbye…for now…or forever. Don’t know if I’ll be back here. Take care of yourselves.

©AXOMME on 18-07-2009.

Lonely Boy

It’s cold outside
The wind is so fresh
Nothing can strive
It’s cutting through flesh.

Lonely boy
Looks at his star
And all he can see
Is her being so far.

Raises his hand
Touching the night
The feeling is sad
But love burns inside.

Driking her tears
In silence and alone
Wished she was here
Wished she was home.

All he can do
Is closing his eyes
Hoping for you
To lay by his side.

Lonely boy
Opens his eyes
You aren’t here
Where are your arms ?

She’s my muse of inspiration, a treasure of the gods, such a hard road to find her, and still a long way to reach her. But I won’t stop, I won’t look behind. I love her.

©AXOMME on 12-07-2009.

Unfinished Desire

Memories, some bad, some good
All your past is a bleeding wound
But this past brought you today
In my hands so please…stay.

I want to take your pain in me
Your guarding angel for eternity
The love I carry deep inside
Is something that I cannot hide.

Sweetie you’ve trully opened my life
Too many doors were closed so tight
Just give me a chance so I can show
That you are not lonely anymore.

We are far and it is true
It is hard for me and you
But baby find the hope within
For our love the past can heal.

A poem I’ve written a few days after my wi-fi connection died for about one week. I was missing her like crazy.

©AXOMME on 12-07-2009.

Ambittions…

27 June – Love’s Power

It’s 23:37. I’m in my room. It’s a really hot weather at the moment.I tried to read but I can’t focus, my mind runs every minute to her. God how I miss her. Wished she was here standing next to me. Her eyes would be the only thing I could read now. Each time when I look at the night’s sky I always wonder: “Is she seeing the same sky I see ? What is she doing at this moment ? Is she thinking of me ?”. I guess the typical love questions, hehehe… In a way I’m also surprised of how strong love can be. I’m also amazed of how much I love her and I also love this awesome feeling. I guess love IS a blessing. I really hope that some time soon this love may bring us together and show her my heart and my deepest feelings, to make her feel safe again, to make her regain her trust in love and hope she will reach to love me the way I love her. Nothing in this world is more beautiful than love and be loved by the same person. I don’t believe in heaven and gods but I know she’s a real angel. I would do anything for her. If there would be any way to go back in time to fix any error or mistakes I wouldn’t do it, cuz if i do, I’m affraid I might never meet her again. I don’t regret anything from my past now. She erased everything, all the sadness I had. She’s the joy of my heart now. I said I didn’t knew where my place was so I don’t want to wait for it anymore cuz I know where I want my place to be and that is by her side. So I’ll fight my way with life to gain that place which, I think, we both deserve and need. It’s been too many years of tears, of sadness, of loneliness and sorrow. Now it’s our moment, it’s time to claim what we want and deserve from our life, it’s the time to face it without any fears. The past hurt us but it also made us stronger, we are ready for anything and we will have to fight for what is ours, our own life and hapyness. I’m coming for you baby, don’t give up, find hope in my words and love and wait for me. Believe in me, believe in us. I love you more than ever. <3

©AXOMME on 27-06-2009.