18 July – Giving up hope
As tears strem down on my face I lay in the bed and think of what I’ve just did. I’ve gave up on all I’ve been fighting for in the last 6 months. I gave up on my hope, I gave up on her. I feel so miserable and stupid and I dunno why I did it but I guess I had to. Since the first time I met her I know I’ve helped her a lot and she also made me feel special. I think I’ve made her a bit more self-confident and optimist but the way I did it was not really a good way. I was trying to implement my love in her sorrow. It didn’t worked out well, not the way I wanted it. I guess nothing ends up the way you want. I should’ve been only a friend from the begining but I did it with love instead. I’ve fallen in love and got carried by my feelings. This “therapy” of some kind that I tried to do went more like a torture of feelings for both of us, even when I knew she didn’t loved me the way I love her, so I continued. So stupid of me… I kept on hoping that someday she’ll feel the same love I feel for her but now I guess it’s time to stop it. And yes, it hurts, it hurts more than any wound but it’s the best way. I preffer that I suffer as long as she reaches to be good and find some hapyness in her life. As I said it many times before, she really needs to be happy and she also deserves to be. It felt like I was going down and dragging her with me. In a way I made her to be unhappy and unconfortable, specially each time I was saying: “I love you !”. She’ll say that’s not true but it is, I can feel it and I know it. Giving up on her is my biggest challenge ever. Even though my heart tells me what I did is not ok, my mind tells me it’s the best way, for both of us. I have to stop torturing us with something nearly impossible and she can’t feel this love, at least not for me, so it’s time to stop hoping. I’ve dreamed too much and now it’s time to wake up. This agony brought me to stop believing in myself and loose a lot of optimism. I guess in a way I changed as a friend told me. But she’s not guilty for anything. It’s my fault for keeping high hopes and for loving someone at a long distance. It can hardly work, or never…Now I don’t know which hopes I have left, what objectives to aim to, which is my future. I guess…time will choose my destiny. At least I still hope in doing some studies I really wish to do. But I’m affraid it also won’t be possible. I’ll see it in a few days from now on. I’ve grabbed on her so hard, it felt like I’ve finally found my half, who I really like and love and I didn’t wanted to let her go, I wanted her all for myself. I guess I saw my reason on this world in her, I saw my own salvation, I saw my hapyness in her and that blinded me in a way that I’ve didn’t even stopped to look well to her needs and felings. I feel so selfish and a jerk. I hope she’ll forgive me for it. We’re still friends now and I’m glad, but I’m not sure if it’s the best way. I do wanna be her friend but I’m affraid that my feelings will come out again and hurt her once more. I don’t want that. Also I’m affraid of this pain to talk every day with the person I love like nothing happend and knowing that deep inside I’m so full of love for her. It hurts a lot… Even so, I think it’s the best way if i stop loving her. If there were a way to tell your heart wich person to love or not…*sigh*. I can only endure inside and keep my feelings locked until they disappear, I only hope I’m strong enough to do it.
This is all I had to say and I guess my last time posting in here. This blog was ment to be like a mirror on which I can talk to myself and realease my feelings and thoughts. I’ll lock a lot of things inside from now on and this blog along with them. Thankyou to all of those whom spent some time reading these broken words. Goodbye…for now…or forever. Don’t know if I’ll be back here. Take care of yourselves.
©AXOMME on 18-07-2009.
