It’s 26th of November. A lot of time have passed since I lost posted anything. I guess nothing remarkable happend to me that is worth of writting down but yet I’ve decided to do so. I’ve been working for about 5 months and I guess it’s a good thing as I gain experience of life and socialize more with people. I couldn’t go to that university I wanted, couldn’t afford it. Everyone tells me to do a state univ but I don’t want that. There are a lot of people with state diplomas and many a lot better than me, plus nowadays finding a job is really hard. I want a special and intensive study on something that I would like and that is really needed so I can have a good income and start building my future. My dreams are still making my own family, that’s the only happiness I seek. I don’t dream of being famous or loafing in money. The most valuable thing for me is love…which I haven’t found yet… Love issues are really complicated and I confess I really suck at it. But still I don’t know why no girl can see more through me instead of what I am in appearance. Maybe I’m too different ? I don’t know. And I also don’t know any other way to act or be than as I trully am and also I will never try to fake the way I am. I want someone to reach to understand me, to know my feelings, to know my mind and to conquer my heart with her love. I do get a lot of crushes on cute girls but I always hesitate as I’m used of beeing rejected and I don’t like the feeling. Some girls don’t even speak to me anymore if I say I like them and that’s something I could never understand. Am I the weird one or they are ? I know I am different, maybe too deep and intensive in feelings, I don’t know. Even though it seems to everyone that I’m ok I am not. I’m not good with myself, I can’t find my place. It’s like I don’t fit in. It’s like if I was the dirty and ugly puppet walking through life having the loneliness as the puppeteer. A lot of people at a moment like this are recurring to suicide but that’s so stupid. I love life, I like to live. I want to enoy life. I’m stuck…can even love set me free ? I’m not sure if I’ll ever know…

18 July – Giving up hope

As tears strem down on my face I lay in the bed and think of what I’ve just did. I’ve gave up on all I’ve been fighting for in the last 6 months. I gave up on my hope, I gave up on her. I feel so miserable and stupid and I dunno why I did it but I guess I had to. Since the first time I met her I know I’ve helped her a lot and she also made me feel special. I think I’ve made her a bit more self-confident and optimist but the way I did it was not really a good way. I was trying to implement my love in her sorrow. It didn’t worked out well, not the way I wanted it. I guess nothing ends up the way you want. I should’ve been only a friend from the begining but I did it with love instead. I’ve fallen in love and got carried by my feelings. This “therapy” of some kind that I tried to do went more like a torture of feelings for both of us, even when I knew she didn’t loved me the way I love her, so I continued. So  stupid of me… I kept on hoping that someday she’ll feel the same love I feel for her but now I guess it’s time to stop it. And yes, it hurts, it hurts more than any wound but it’s the best way. I preffer that I suffer as long as she reaches to be good and find some hapyness in her life. As I said it many times before, she really needs to be happy and she also deserves to be. It felt like I was going down and dragging her with me. In a way I made her to be unhappy and unconfortable, specially each time I was saying: “I love you !”. She’ll say that’s not true but it is, I can feel it and I know it. Giving up on her is my biggest challenge ever. Even though my heart tells me what I did is not ok, my mind tells me it’s the best way, for both of us. I have to stop torturing us with something nearly impossible and she can’t feel this love, at least not for me, so it’s time to stop hoping. I’ve dreamed too much and now it’s time to wake up. This agony brought me to stop believing in myself and loose a lot of optimism. I guess in a way I changed as a friend told me. But she’s not guilty for anything. It’s my fault for keeping high hopes and for loving someone at a long distance. It can hardly work, or never…Now I don’t know which hopes I have left, what objectives to aim to, which is my future. I guess…time will choose my destiny. At least I still hope in doing some studies I really wish to do. But I’m affraid it also won’t be possible. I’ll see it in a few days from now on. I’ve grabbed on her so hard, it felt like I’ve finally found my half, who I really like and love and I didn’t wanted to let her go, I wanted her all for myself. I guess I saw my reason on this world in her, I saw my own salvation, I saw my hapyness in her and that blinded me in a way that I’ve didn’t even stopped to look well to her needs and felings. I feel so selfish and a jerk. I hope she’ll forgive me for it. We’re still friends now and I’m glad, but I’m not sure if it’s the best way. I do wanna be her friend but I’m affraid that my feelings will come out again and hurt her once more. I don’t want that. Also I’m affraid of this pain to talk every day with the person I love like nothing happend and knowing that deep inside I’m so full of love for her. It hurts a lot… Even so, I think it’s the best way if i stop loving her. If there were a way to tell your heart wich person to love or not…*sigh*. I can only endure inside and keep my feelings locked until they disappear, I only hope I’m strong enough to do it.

This is all I had to say and I guess my last time posting in here. This blog was ment to be like a mirror on which I can talk to myself and realease my feelings and thoughts. I’ll lock a lot of things inside from now on and this blog along with them. Thankyou to all of those whom spent some time reading these broken words. Goodbye…for now…or forever. Don’t know if I’ll be back here. Take care of yourselves.

©AXOMME on 18-07-2009.

It’s cold outside
The wind is so fresh
Nothing can strive
It’s cutting through flesh.

Lonely boy
Looks at his star
And all he can see
Is her being so far.

Raises his hand
Touching the night
The feeling is sad
But love burns inside.

Driking her tears
In silence and alone
Wished she was here
Wished she was home.

All he can do
Is closing his eyes
Hoping for you
To lay by his side.

Lonely boy
Opens his eyes
You aren’t here
Where are your arms ?

She’s my muse of inspiration, a treasure of the gods, such a hard road to find her, and still a long way to reach her. But I won’t stop, I won’t look behind. I love her.

©AXOMME on 12-07-2009.

Memories, some bad, some good
All your past is a bleeding wound
But this past brought you today
In my hands so please…stay.

I want to take your pain in me
Your guarding angel for eternity
The love I carry deep inside
Is something that I cannot hide.

Sweetie you’ve trully opened my life
Too many doors were closed so tight
Just give me a chance so I can show
That you are not lonely anymore.

We are far and it is true
It is hard for me and you
But baby find the hope within
For our love the past can heal.

A poem I’ve written a few days after my wi-fi connection died for about one week. I was missing her like crazy.

©AXOMME on 12-07-2009.

27 June – Love’s Power

It’s 23:37. I’m in my room. It’s a really hot weather at the moment.I tried to read but I can’t focus, my mind runs every minute to her. God how I miss her. Wished she was here standing next to me. Her eyes would be the only thing I could read now. Each time when I look at the night’s sky I always wonder: “Is she seeing the same sky I see ? What is she doing at this moment ? Is she thinking of me ?”. I guess the typical love questions, hehehe… In a way I’m also surprised of how strong love can be. I’m also amazed of how much I love her and I also love this awesome feeling. I guess love IS a blessing. I really hope that some time soon this love may bring us together and show her my heart and my deepest feelings, to make her feel safe again, to make her regain her trust in love and hope she will reach to love me the way I love her. Nothing in this world is more beautiful than love and be loved by the same person. I don’t believe in heaven and gods but I know she’s a real angel. I would do anything for her. If there would be any way to go back in time to fix any error or mistakes I wouldn’t do it, cuz if i do, I’m affraid I might never meet her again. I don’t regret anything from my past now. She erased everything, all the sadness I had. She’s the joy of my heart now. I said I didn’t knew where my place was so I don’t want to wait for it anymore cuz I know where I want my place to be and that is by her side. So I’ll fight my way with life to gain that place which, I think, we both deserve and need. It’s been too many years of tears, of sadness, of loneliness and sorrow. Now it’s our moment, it’s time to claim what we want and deserve from our life, it’s the time to face it without any fears. The past hurt us but it also made us stronger, we are ready for anything and we will have to fight for what is ours, our own life and hapyness. I’m coming for you baby, don’t give up, find hope in my words and love and wait for me. Believe in me, believe in us. I love you more than ever. <3

©AXOMME on 27-06-2009.

24 June – Pure Love

It’s 23:21 and I’m sitting in front of my laptop. MSN is open. I’m chatting with her. It’s such a weird feeling knowing that she’s on the other side of the screen and it feels so close that I can almost touch her but yet she’s so far… We’ve got closer lately wich makes me really happy but something is still missing and it will probably miss until she will understand that I love her with all my heart. I never ever felt anything like this for enyone before. She means so much for me. In fact she means everything for me. I think I’ve tryed in all ways to explain her what I feel and that I really mean it but I guess she’ll only believe it in real life… Wished I was close to her so she can feel how I am in real life but unfortunatelly I’m not. But I do really love her. It wasn’t needed for me to know her in real life to love her. She’s definately someone I can fall in love with blindly. I can’t even explain what she has that captured my heart and I don’t even try to find a reason, I don’t care for reasons because I’ve comepletely given myself for her. She’s just perfect for me, nobody and nothing else matters for me now except her. She’s more than just someone I love, she’s my inspiration, she’s the only one that makes me feel a complete person, she’s my heaven…I can never love someone else than her. I don’t mind what people are saying or will say, that’s not my concern. What matters for me is what does she thinks of us and hope she will manage to let me in her heart one day. I want nothing else but to love her, be always by her side, take care one of the other, be together for in the good and bad moments. We don’t have to be lonely. We both know what we want and we both want the same thing…someone to love. And I know she’s the one I want to love. Her past made her grow a wall around her heart and not to easily trust in guys anymore but I only want her to believe in me that I’ll never fail her or make her sad. I know they allready told her such words but I know that I really do what I say. I’m not just a talker. I always keep my words because what I say comes from my heart. I allways speak with my heart and I never lie. I want so badly to show her that I trully mean what I say. If she would be here with me now I’d hold her next to me and whisper to her lips how much I love her, look in her eyes and understand her feelings, play with my hand in her hair while I smell the fragrance of her skin, hug her and stay next to her until the sunrise… Again I have tears in my eyes, I promised myself I’ll stay strong for her but the love I feel for her is harder than anything and I can’t hold my tears. I don’t care what everyone can think of me, yes I am a guy,  but boys also can cry… I’m not that strong and in fact I don’t want to. I don’t know if I can make her happy, all I can promise her is loyalty, sincerity, confidence, trust, support, love and a beautiful life next to me. I don’t even need more. I love you baby !   T_T

©AXOMME on 24-06-2009.

23 June – Fear

Today has been a horrible day. I could have lost my dad forever. He has been caught in a car accident. He was drivinf on the highway on his way to work in the morning. He was behind another car. It happend too fast. The one in front of him must’ve slept at the steeringwheel because he suddently went in the concrete wall between the both sideways and from there the car jumped in front of my dad’s car. The road had several ways and dad was in the middle one, he couldn’t head left as he would hit that guy even worse than it happend and if he went right he would hit anotherone which was passing next to him so all he could was to slowly hit the guy in front of him. That guy’s car from the wall ended practically horizontal in front of my dad’s car so he slightly turned a bit right and hitted the rear side of that guy’s car. The airbags popped out thankfully dad is ok only a couple of bruises. That dude was a bit wors. The ambulance and cops came and they did all the papers and crap. Dad was a bit late to work but it doesn’t matter. His bosses understood it and they’re glad he’s fine. The car has sufferd a bit though. The left side is a mess. They picked it up and tooked to the local deposit or something and all the paperworks and ensurances will take around one month and then also the fixing a lot more so we’ll probably won’t see the car again in some months. Dad’s really sad because for him the car is like another member of the family and I understand him. But I’m glad that he’s ok though I’m sill shaking a bit.

I’m also concerned about her and her family. Her mother has been recently operated and she has been crying a lot lately. I know how she might feel. Wished I was there to hold her in my arms and calm her down. Her mom went out of the operation quite well but she’s in pain after it now. She hates to see her mom feeling that pain and I understand her. I’m also worried a lot about her mom. Might sound weird but even tho I’ve never met her parents I really feel like they’re my own. I really care a lot about them. I’d love to meet them some day and thank them so much for the incredible and beautiful daughter they have…but I guess it might never happen…
I’ve also talked with her today, we have a lot of feelings and needs in common but still it seems we can’t be one for the other…don’t know why. *sigh* At least now she know that I trully love her…I think…or at least I hope she does know. I don’t know anymore what to do or if I should do something. I feel quite hopeless. She told me life is not perfect. I don’t want it to be perfect I just want it to be at least a normal life because it’s not even normal. It feels like everything is going from bad to worst.

I don’t think i can sleep tonight. Hope my friends, the wind and the star will keep me company until the sunrise.

©AXOMME on 23-06-2009.

Another restless night…

22 June – Lonely Star

“I was tired and I felt a bit dizzy, it had been a busy day so I went to bed at quarter past 00:00 or so. I managed to sleep shortly, everything was silent. All went well. Suddently I woke up in the night then I looked at my mobile’s clock, it was half past 3 in the morning. I stood up on the edge of the bed and as usual I keep the window opened. A softly wind entered my room. It’s the same one that visited me every night in the last days. I think in a way he’s my friend of sorrow. I was glad to have him again playing in my hair and skin. I looked through the window at the dark sky. It’s emptyness fascinates me and let my mind flow freely. Suddently I’ve spotted a really bright light on the sky. It looked quite familiar. I saw it also the last couple of nights before. It was a shiny star. It felt like it was gazing at me from far away but it was a pleasant feeling. I stood up and went closer to the window. It made me really curious. I tooked the curtains aside so I can watch it better. The wind was still around me, playing like a little puppy that wants some attention. All that atmosphere tooked my mind away for some minutes. Ofcourse, to her. Allways. The one and only person I most desire for in my whole life. The only one who’s whispers and breaths are softer than my friend the wind, and who’s eyes shine brighter than that lonely star I was starring at with a face full of admiration. Then the wind started to swing faster around me which woke me up from that mirrage i was merged in with my thoughts. I felt something on my cheeks and my eyes were wet. I touched my face and realised I had tears in my eyes. Why was I crying ? I tried to wipe them out but new tears were borning out from my eyes. I tried to wipe them several times but it was hopeless. Then I understood I needed to cry and I didn’t even wanted to know why so I didn’t bothered to find a reson. I looked again at that lovely star. I felt like a solitary wolf howling in the darkness at that star that completely hypnotized me. It felt like some instants passed then I looked at the clock again and it was allready past 4:30 am. I went to the bathroom and turned on the light. I looked in the mirror at myself, the tears were almost dry. I looked myself in the eyes, they were small dark blue and ice cold looking. They looked so empty… I washed my face and went back in my room. I looked at my bed. It seemed so big and empty that even scared me. I sat on the edge and looked once again through the window at the sky. The beautiful bright star was gone, also the friendly wind. Then I tooked my pillow and hugging it tight I shrinked at the edge of the bed and tried to sleep. It was allready morning…”

©AXOMME on 22-06-2009.

A really beautiful song. T_T

Is it so hard to believe our hearts
Are made to be broken by love
That in constant dying lies
The beauty of it all
My darling won’t you feel
The sweet heaven in
Our endless cry

Oh at least you could try
For this one last time

So amazed how bright are the flames
We are burning in
Ever smiled at the tragedies
We hold inside
My darling won’t you cherish
The fear of life that keeps
You and me so alive

Oh at least you could try
For this one last time
It could be alright
For this one last time

Oh at least you could try
(and we just will be closer)
For this one last time
(let me fall into your arms)
It could be alright
(don’t let us grow colder)
For this one last time
(let me close to your heart)

Oh at least you could try
(before it’s all over)
For this one last time
(let me fall into your arms)
It could be alright
(before it’s all over)
For this one last time
(let me close to your heart)

©AXOMME on 22-06-2009.

]]> http://axomme.wordpress.com/2009/06/22/him-one-last-time/feed/ 0 AXOMME http://axomme.wordpress.com/2009/06/21/feelings/ http://axomme.wordpress.com/2009/06/21/feelings/#comments Sun, 21 Jun 2009 12:09:16 +0000 AXOMME http://axomme.wordpress.com/?p=32 ]]>

Last night…

21 June – Memories

“Here I find myself in the light darkness of my room, absolute silence around me. it’s past 1 am. The window is open and the curtains are playing in the wind’s flow. I’m sitting on my bed next to the window. The wind is also blowing through the curls of my hair and softly whispers on my skin with a soft refreshing breeze. As I look through the window at the dark sky I ask myself: “What are you doing with your life ? Where is your place ? What do you want from life ?” Suddently her face came in my mind. Then other questions appeared in my head: “Do I really know what love is or am I just interpreting it the way I want it to be ?” I guess I’ll never know the answer. Then I tooked out the printed photo of her from my desk. In the soft light from the street that was enterning my room I looked at her beautiful eyes and lovely lips. Suddently i woke up to reality again and muttered two words: “Stupid boy…” I placed the print back in my desk and as I looked one last time at the black sky I released a soft sigh from the depth of my heart and layd down and went to sleep.”

©AXOMME on 21-06-2009.